Friday, November 1, 2013

10 Things Not to Do on a First Date

1) Tell Them Your Life Story: Please leave something to the imagination. I do not want to sit down at dinner and hear about every single incriminating detail about your life story. Allow time and the natural development of the relationship to bring out amusing facts about ourselves. Feel free to ask me open ended questions – trust me, I will reciprocate – but I don't want to know how you have an undying affinity of skinny-dipping at the Central Park Lake. EXCUSE ME WHAT

2) Not Make Eye Contact: This is a personal shortcoming. Eyes say a lot. Sometimes too much. It's always a bit awkward for me because the eyes sometimes tell me things that you are not. I fixed this issue by looking at the speakers forehead with the occasional glances directly into the eyes. No one can tell that I am actually looking at that freckle smack in the middle of their forehead. DATING LIFE HACK FOR THE WIN!

3) Place Your Order before Me: Umm. Can you not? It's a bit endearing when the guy allows me to actually read the menu. Even better if we collaborate a bit. Please allow me to ponder before you place your order with the waiter. Let's place our orders together, yes?

4) Take Me to the Movies: When I first started in the dating game around 17 or 18 years old, I followed the stuff perpetuated by the movies: movie then dinner. Or dinner then movie. Whichever was it. Regardless, movies suck as a date idea. We stare at the screen, not talk, awkwardness, stuck with stranger for 1.5 hours. Just, NO. Nothing about that sounds fine to me. Movie dates are more appropriate for 3rd or future dates, I'd say.

5) Drink Too Many Cocktails: It's easy to drown your nerves with some liquor and spirits. I am not against the act of dampening your nerves with a couple ounces of liquid courage. But if you have the propensity to drink until you drop... Then please don't take me out. It's not classy.

6) Talk about Your Ex: When you talk about your exes, I go through a myriad of emotions within the first 3 seconds – confusion, suspicion, heartache, and a bit of resentment with a side order of epic eye roll. Especially if you're talking crap about him or her. I am a realist. And I know relationships don't last forever. So if we were to ever be an item and break up, the last thing I want you to do is run around and smear my reputation. The mention of exes will sometimes occur during the span of a relationship. It can even be a healthy release for you. But doing so in the beginning of a new partnership or relationship is not a good idea. Ever.

7) Eat Finger Foods and Greasy Crap: I don't want to see the beginnings of your digestive tract. Nor do I want you to see mine. I like to eat something that requires a fork, a spoon, and small bites. Burgers and fries are the worst culprits. The fries will leave my fingers greasy and leave me with the insatiable need to lick them. And burgers are way too messy altogether.

8) Cross Your Arms And Cross Your Legs: This one should be obvious. Make-believe that a dates is like a hypothetical welcome mat into ones life. If you have closed body language, I'm going to think that you're not all that into me. You never even laid down the welcome mat. It's just very rude body language.

9) Ask Me about My Ethnicity: This is highly personal but a huge pet peeve. I live my life with people literally bombarding me with this question. And it's annoying. I consist of many racial groups. And that's all you need to know. My racial makeup is not public information nor is it open to discussion. You can have to be a steadfast figure in my life for me to even delve into that part of my existence. Now, I won't respond to you with all this sass that I am perpetuating on this blog post. I will probably say something cute like, "I can be whatever you want me to be, baybeh boo". Or something. YEP.

10) Be Rude to the Waiter: This is another personal pet peeve. You can tell how someone is outside of this structured, formal date by observing how the date treats the waiter. Being rude to a waiter also entails not tipping them correctly. I am not about that life. 20% plz. 15, if they suck.

P.S. This is going to be categorized under the makeup section because I do not know where else to place it. Whoops.

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